Jesus: theme and variations

Ask 10 people how they see Jesus, and you will get 12 responses.


This is your post-modern guide to the types of Jesuses and their attributes.


CATHOLIC JESUS: THE GUILT-TRIPPER
Guilt is simultaneously the honey and the vinegar of Catholicism.  


To quote Dylan Moran, "All good religions are based on guilt". 
Guilt-tripping Jesus and sideshow Mary are the cornerstone of the great religion that is Catholicism - the pinnacle of Christian denominations.

Feel the guilt, enjoy the shame.

NEW-AGE JESUS: THE APPROVAL JUNKIE
New-age liberal denominations have popped up everywhere, in knee-jerk response to the rapidly aging congregations and youth apathy to anything religious.


New-age Jesus is characterised by his "anything for approval and popularity" approach, even if it means compromising on everything which makes the denomination vaguely religious.

Whenever this happens, this Jesus bitches about them on twitter.

Anything goes, so long as you still like me.

ULTRA-ORTHODOX JESUS: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVIST

This brand of Christianity considers itself the vanguard of Christiandom, taking pride in its principles, rules and traditions.

Since one of the principles is not to judge others, you won't find orthodox followers bible-bashing on the streets. Instead, this Jesus inspires its ultra-orthodox followers by example - through passive-aggressive behavior.

Jesus preaching his technique to his disciples. 

If you're complaining, you're not suffering enough.

POST-MODERN JESUS: THE FUNNY IRONIC ONE

My personal favourite, instead of pointing at things and looking angsty and wistful, this Jesus likes the funny side of things and enjoys the irony of the son of God being a dick.

I can be a dick, but I'm still getting into heaven before you. 

HA.

sunglasses: the ultimate post-modern accessory

Dictionary.com describes sunglasses as:

sun·glass·es

   [suhn-glas-iz, -glah-siz]  Show IPA

–plural noun

eyeglasses with colored or tinted lenses that protect the eyes from the glare of sunlight.

What a meh definition. Too utilitarian, too functional, and too idealistically modern.

As a post-modernist, I would describe them as an apathy-enhancing personality disguise, which adds to your elusiveness and mystique. 

One day you are Audrey Hepburn, juxtaposing an elegant black cocktail dress and pearls with casual black wayfarers.

The next you are reality-bending Morpheus, with sunglasses so starkly minimalist that they don't even have frames.

Later that evening you reappear as a 1960s rebel wearing tea-shades, alluding to the punk-era that is to come.

Sunglasses are all about the illusion, the mystery and the androgeny - be an Elton John for the night and see where those sequins and bright lights take you.

All your best success comes after 1am

Productivity and results come best late at night. It's a fact.

All the best things, and all the best people, work best late at night.

While sleep is satisfying and awesome, it's entirely counter-productive.

If you want the most out of your life, learn to survive in a half-awake half-asleep state. This way instead of wasting your time lying around unconscious between the hours of 1am and 4am, you can get some work done.

The most awesome people you know seem to be able to manage all of their work, studies, and extra commitments and still have time to socialize. To let you in on a secret, it's because they're Night Owls

Night owls are awake in the darkness getting things done when you're asleep and can't bother them. They're up taking advantage of a distraction free window of serenity. They're up methodologically working their way towards a brighter future; they know that what will set themselves out from the crowd is their ability to over apply themselves and ultimately achieve results.

"How is that possible", you find yourself wondering, when pulling one late-nighter to get that assignment finished leaves you wrecked for the next 48 hours?

The reality is that you're just out of practice. You've fallen for that old myth that you need 8 hours a night to be a functioning human being. 

Pro-tip: You can sustain balance, and conversation for a day on as little as 5 hours sleep a night. 

While advice is plentiful on how to shift your body clock into a more productive setting, such methods take application and motivation; the two things we know won't be present in your apathetic city bound soul.

If you're not naturally an insomniac there are plenty of ways to cheat and bring out about a state of constant alertness. As already discussed, the best way to fuel your winning ways is with coffee, which also happens to be the most readily accessible stimulant to power you through the dark of the night.

 

So next time you're feeling tired, push on through and get that extra bit of work done - you'll be pleased the next day when you're not stressing or rushing to complete it for some arbitrary deadline.

Besides, sleep is so much more rewarding when you've actually earned it through hard work and personal application.

Why Video Games are now Serious Business.

In post-modernity, the everyman competes against his peers and thus proves his worth in the video game. 

Video games are the bloody and aggressive sport of our time without the culpability of homicide. Video games are the stimulating mental challenge that actually results in a reward. Video games are how the first mammal to wear pants now gains his sense of self-satisfaction in the wake of soul crushing office jobs and water-cooler conversation.

Video games are the next step in how mankind will measure their development and potential. 

Starting early is crucial;

But not always the definitive factor.

What matters is getting the most out of your gaming.

Spending even just a few hours staring at the screen and jamming buttons will result in significant and rapid development of your ability to win both in the virtual world and in the real.

While the detractors will claim that looking at screens will make your eyes go square, they are lying. In fact, playing games improves your hand eye coordination. Be able to use your fingers and hands without actually having to see what they are doing is an essential skill in a world dominated by touch technology.

More importantly, being able to defeat your enemies and enjoy their despondency is a great way to increase your self-esteem.

Video games have developed in leaps and bounds in the past decades from the initial explosion in popularity in the 1980s with now many many forms existing to serve any kind of competitor. 

Moreover games are now crossing over into other media so as to demand their recognition and engagement.

It would be a foolish choice to deny the validity of a pastime that now earns $25 billion a year.

The world marches into post-modernity and the measure of your greatness will not always be on how physically powerful you are, but rather on how apt you are at manipulating a controller. 

black coffee: the winner diesel

The first law of thermodynamics tells us that energy can be transformed, but it cannot be created or destroyed. 


Cars run on petrol, athletes run on anabolic steroids, and xenophobes run on fear of the unknown.


Nothing is self-sustaining.  


What do post-modern winners run on? black coffee.

Yes - the tall, elegant and whimsically aloof people who look like they just walked off a Prada launch run on coffea arabica diesel.

The crude energy of the coffee bean is extracted at its purest form as black coffee.  Consumed by the 21st century champions, this energy is unleashed as post-modern success.

REMEMBER: post-modernists run on black coffee: the winner diesel.

the minimalist's lunch

You need a plethora nutrients to get you through the day.  


Unfortunately it is difficult to get all of these nutrients without the pesky calories that come with it.

thin is the new black

What you need is something which will keep you satisfied which gives you all of the necessary nutrients without the calories.


Enter minimalist lunch: cigarette + multi-vitamin.

The cigarette keeps you full, while the multivitamin gives you all the nutrients you need. 

If you're still hungry or need a caffeine buzz, you can always add a black coffee without sugar, or a coke zero.

In becoming a post-modern success story, everything in your life should be minimalist, including your diet and your body.

how to cross the street like you've got a pair

Have you noticed that by the time the pedestrian crossing lights go green, the only people who still haven't crossed the road are the elderly, and first years from small backwater towns?

This phenomenon can be explained by the fact that crossing lights are for the weak.  


When you cross the road before the pedestrian lights go green, hot chicks suddenly appear from nowhere, filled with admiration and awe.  

Naturally, this awe is increased if you cross when cars are heading directly towards you. You may want to consider waiting until there are more cars to increase your fan-base.


Following crossing lights is too conformist; all the coolkids use their survival skills developed attending underground gigs in uncomfortably small venues.


REMEMBER: if there's no chance of road fatality you shouldn't cross at all.

Why Your Life is Circus

Your life is a travelling Circus. You drift around moving from one town to another seeking the attention and approval of strangers.

You are the Juggler.

Notice how you struggle to keep all your assignments and social commitments from hitting the floor. Someone to the side of you throws you a chainsaw and expects you to deal with it.

That man is the ringmaster, who just wants to make your life more tricky...

Notice his calm disposition as he heaps all the more work and stress upon you life. He takes pleasure from your discomfort and strain.

Within all this madness are the high achievers who make everything seems so easy.

Show-offs.

See how they flash around drawing everyone's gasps and admiration.

Yet here you are, underneath it all making a fool of yourself. Sure your act is difficult, but no one appreciates you.

Your challenge is to become more like the trapeze artists; effortlessly awesome.

This blog will help you.