This is your post-modern guide to the types of Jesuses and their attributes.
CATHOLIC JESUS: THE GUILT-TRIPPER
Guilt is simultaneously the honey and the vinegar of Catholicism.
To quote Dylan Moran, "All good religions are based on guilt".
Guilt-tripping Jesus and sideshow Mary are the cornerstone of the great religion that is Catholicism - the pinnacle of Christian denominations.
Feel the guilt, enjoy the shame.
NEW-AGE JESUS: THE APPROVAL JUNKIE
New-age liberal denominations have popped up everywhere, in knee-jerk response to the rapidly aging congregations and youth apathy to anything religious.
New-age Jesus is characterised by his "anything for approval and popularity" approach, even if it means compromising on everything which makes the denomination vaguely religious.
Whenever this happens, this Jesus bitches about them on twitter.
Anything goes, so long as you still like me.
ULTRA-ORTHODOX JESUS: THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVIST
This brand of Christianity considers itself the vanguard of Christiandom, taking pride in its principles, rules and traditions.
Since one of the principles is not to judge others, you won't find orthodox followers bible-bashing on the streets. Instead, this Jesus inspires its ultra-orthodox followers by example - through passive-aggressive behavior.
Jesus preaching his technique to his disciples.
If you're complaining, you're not suffering enough.
POST-MODERN JESUS: THE FUNNY IRONIC ONE
My personal favourite, instead of pointing at things and looking angsty and wistful, this Jesus likes the funny side of things and enjoys the irony of the son of God being a dick.
I can be a dick, but I'm still getting into heaven before you.
HA.
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