Stereotypes are there for a reason - here's a straight forward cheatsheet for judging people based on what they order from the barista:
BLACK COFFEE DRINKERS
Probably minimalist, austere and direct people who don't tolerate frothy, sugary, colourful beverages (or people).
FLAT WHITES / LATTES
A bit more mellow, less austere people who are a bit warmer and more approachable. They may not have the strange allure of the edgy angsty types, but they are probably nicer people to deal with.
FROTHY CAPPUCCINOS, OR COFFEES WITH HAZELNUT/CARAMEL/VANILLA SHOTS
Like the coffee, the person is probably bubbly, and diabetes-inducingly sweet. They drink coffee solely for the social, clucky aspect of catching up with their Bridget-Jones friends. They are approximately two decades away from the stiff gins and Dido CDs.
VENTI TRIM SOY GREEN TEA CAPPUCCINO WITH HALF STRENGTH HAZELNUT SHOT WITHOUT CINNAMON AND WITH CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES INSTEAD IN A SPECIAL TAKEAWAY CUP
Tragically misguided people who believe the more customised their beverage is, the more cultured/interesting they are. Fussy for the hell of it, even though they can't even tell the difference when it comes to the coffee. The non-alcoholic $11 liquid they are holding in their hand is a statement, in a beverage form.
ORGANIC SOY CHAI LATTE
Secretly wishes they drank actual coffee, and uses a moral high-ground or lactose intolerance as an excuse.
HOT CHOCOLATE/MOCHACCINO WITH 3 SUGARS, EXTRA CREAM WITH MARSHMALLOWS. OH - WITH TRIM MILK PLEASE. (Thanks Matt)
Bitch please! - the only thing getting thinner is your wallet. We get that you're trying to lose weight, but unless you're running a marathon on your next break I'd start by not drinking a meals-worth of calories in a beverage.
Eh, whatever helps you sleep at night fattie.
I am not comfortable with the conflation of Flat Whites and Lattes, they are entirely different beverages.
ReplyDelete'No thanks, no cream on mine please.'
ReplyDelete- The neurotic one. Feels as though the coffee has become Weight Watchers approved by the removal of a substance which wasn't there to begin with. Likes to play make-believe. Also enjoys treadmills and amphetamines.
Yes, we appreciate that you're watching your weight and we can respect that. But spectators be warned for when they aren't asked and are given a sizable dollop of whipped cream regardless:
Instantly their eyes glow in a furious haze of Satanic red, prickling as their nails make short use of the pitiful plastic prison for their beverage of quasi-choice... There was no hope, none for the beverage, none for the table and none for the patrons of said coffee house.
There were no survivors.
@Anonymous - yes they are different drinks (for example I will order a latte if I want a big cup of hot milk - i.e. never) but I didn't think they were different enough for the purposes of this post i.e. for judging people.
ReplyDeleteIf anything I suppose would put latte with the soy chai latte category - likes to pretend they're drinking coffee.
@Matt - I missed a fundamental one, especially given I've worked as a barista for so long!. Post is updated accordingly.